We talk a lot more about postpartum mental health than we used to. And thank God we do.
However, with the recent Lindsey Clancy case and hearing details of Hayden Panettiere’s memoir now I’m not so sure.
We talk about postpartum depression. We screen new moms. We remind women that hormones are changing, their bodies are healing, and those first weeks with a newborn can be incredibly emotional.
But there is another part of the conversation that I don’t think we talk about nearly enough.
What happens when that same woman is expected to go back to work?
Because six weeks after having a baby, you aren’t magically the woman you were before you gave birth.
You are still healing.
You’re adjusting to a completely different body. You’re running on broken sleep. You may be breastfeeding or pumping. You’re learning the needs and personality of this tiny human who just completely rearranged your life.
You’re figuring out motherhood while simultaneously trying to remember who you are.
And then, for so many American moms, the alarm goes off and it’s time to go back to work.
Six Weeks Doesn’t Feel Like Very Long When It’s Your Baby
I remember being shocked when I started learning how parental leave works in other countries.
I had heard that women in places like the UK could stay home for years, and while that isn’t exactly accurate, what I learned still surprised me.
In the UK, eligible employees can take up to 52 weeks of maternity leave. Germany goes even further with job protection: eligible parents can take up to three years of parental leave per child, although that does not mean three years at full pay. (GOV.UK)
Compare that with the United States.
Federal FMLA protections allow eligible workers up to 12 weeks of job-protected leave, but that leave may be unpaid—and not every worker qualifies. The United States still does not have a national law requiring private-sector employers to provide paid maternity or parental leave. (Department of Labor)
And suddenly the idea of a mother returning at six weeks doesn’t sound like such a minor transition.
It sounds like a lot.
Because it is a lot.
And Yes, There Really Is a Mental Health Connection
I was curious whether countries with longer maternity leave simply have dramatically lower postpartum-depression rates.
The answer isn’t that neat.
Postpartum-depression statistics are difficult to compare directly between countries because studies use different screening tools, definitions, populations and points in time after birth.
For perspective, the CDC says about 1 in 8 American women with a recent live birth report symptoms of postpartum depression. In the UK, NHS sources estimate postnatal depression affects roughly 10–15% of women, and German research commonly cites rates of up to about 15%. Globally, a large review using diagnostic interviews estimated postpartum depression at about 12%. (CDC)
So I can’t honestly write, “Germany gives mothers more time off, therefore German mothers don’t experience postpartum depression.”
Motherhood and mental health are much more complicated than that.
But here’s where the research gets interesting.
A systematic review of 45 studies found that more generous parental leave—particularly longer leave and paid rather than unpaid leave—was generally associated with better maternal mental-health outcomes, including fewer depressive symptoms, less psychological distress and less burnout. Another review specifically studying postpartum depression found that longer and paid maternity leave tended to be associated with fewer postpartum-depression symptoms. (PubMed)
One U.S. study of postpartum women in New York found that women who had no paid leave were about 40% more likely to experience postpartum depressive symptoms than women who received paid leave. (PubMed Central (PMC))
Think about that for a minute.
Maybe sometimes what a struggling mother needs isn’t another lecture about taking care of herself.
Maybe she needs time.
I Think This Has Always Been Harder for Me Because of How I Grew Up
My childhood was a little unusual.
My dad wasn’t in great health and had to retire early, and my mom was a housewife.
So from the time I first started kindergarten, both of my parents were there.
They were there in the morning when I got on the bus.
They were there when I came home.
Dinner was usually coming shortly afterward.
And summer?
We stayed home.
We slept in. We played outside. We didn’t spend our days being shuffled from daycare to camp to another place because our parents had to work.
We just got to live.
God, was it amazing.
I didn’t appreciate how unusual that childhood was when I was living it. It was just normal to me.
But I think becoming a working mom made me understand it in a completely different way.
Because when your own childhood memories are filled with home, it can be really hard to reconcile that with dropping your children somewhere else while you drive away to work.
That doesn’t mean childcare is bad.
It doesn’t mean working moms are doing something wrong.
It doesn’t even mean staying home is the right choice for every woman. Plenty of women love their careers, need that part of their identity, and are happier mothers because they work.
That’s exactly why I don’t think this conversation should be about judging women’s choices.
It should be about acknowledging how hard the choices are.
Heck, for years I thought my desire was to build some big successful career.
But with every year my boys and also I grow older, that desire decreases exponentially.
My desire now is just to write, raise my kids and actually LIVE!!!
I don’t have the opportunity for that dream to be a reality yet, but that will never stop me from chasing it!
Working Moms Are Constantly Living in Two Places at Once
Your body might be sitting in a meeting.
Your mind is wondering whether the baby ate.
You’re answering an email while remembering you need diapers.
You’re trying to be fully present at work while thinking about pickup time.
Then you finally get home, and instead of clocking out, you start the second shift.
Dinner.
Homework.
Laundry.
Baths.
Appointments.
Sports.
Permission slips.
Bedtime.
And somewhere in there we’re supposed to “practice self-care.”
No wonder so many women hear that phrase and want to laugh.
Or cry.
Maybe both.
Maybe Self-Care Starts With Admitting This Is Hard
I’ve talked a lot on this blog about skincare, confidence and taking a few minutes for yourself.
I still believe in all of those things.
I believe something as small as washing your face at night, putting on moisturizer and having five quiet minutes can matter.
But I also never want My Blooming Beauties to become another place telling women they should be doing more.
Buy this.
Do this.
Wake up earlier.
Exercise more.
Journal.
Meditate.
Meal prep.
Drink your water.
Get eight hours of sleep—which is an especially hilarious suggestion when you have a newborn.
Sometimes taking care of ourselves starts much earlier than that.
Sometimes it starts by saying:
Of course I’m tired. This is hard.
Of course I miss my children while I’m working. I love them.
Of course I sometimes miss the woman I was before motherhood. That doesn’t mean I love being a mom any less.
And maybe instead of asking why women aren’t handling all of this better, we should start asking why we’ve decided they should be able to handle so much in the first place.
A woman can be grateful for her children, grateful for her job, grateful for her life…
and still admit that carrying all of it is heavy.
Those things can all be true at once.
And maybe one of the most important forms of self-care is finally giving ourselves permission to say so.
XO
