My first pregnancy was at age 24, one year after being married. Unfortunately, that ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks. At that point, I had never been more devastated in my life. I think I just checked out of reality for a few days after having a D&C. After 3 more years of trying and a few different oral medications, I had my first son who is now 17. After he was only a few years old, I wanted another child. I so wanted B to have a sibling and I was quickly approaching 30! This time though, oral medication didn’t work and neither did 3 IUI’s I went through. IUI’s have to be one of the most inconvenient ways to try to conceive ha!! No procedure though compares to the negative test strip I saw month after month and year after year. It seemed every time I would get a negative pregnancy test, I would concurrently get yet another baby shower invitation from a friend or relative. Yes, of course I was excited for them, but it’s also hard to pretend you aren’t longing for the same for your own family selfishly. I was afraid we were out of options if oral medicine and IUI’s didn’t work because regular IVF was way out of reach in regards to being able to afford it. I’m not sure if more insurance companies have got on board with helping families in that sense, but I sure hope so! There was no assistance offered through my insurance at the time. I cannot even imagine what this procedure must cost 11 years later!! Anyway, I researched and researched until one day I happen to stumble across mini-IVF. I had never heard of this procedure before. Mini-IVF is a modified form of traditional IVF that aims to reduce the use of hormonal medications and minimize the overall cost and invasiveness of the procedure. You still use fertility medications, but lower doses and you often retrieve one to five eggs rather than a large quantity in traditional IVF. This can still lead to viable embryos, just quality over quantity. After fertilization in a lab, the embryos are transferred into your uterus similar to traditional IVF also. The disadvantage to this though is, lower success rates. The success rates can be lower because there are fewer embryos to work with of course.
I couldn’t believe I had found this procedure and there was actually a doctor just a few hours from where we lived. Going through that process honestly felt like one of the most exciting, yet lonely times too. When others close to you have never conceived in this way, you feel like you don’t have anyone who really understands what you’re going through. Maybe it seems like giving yourself shots and way too many pills every day shouldn’t make you emotional, but wow does it! Not to mention, the whole time you’re going to visit after visit, getting more blood drawn and more tests, following every instruction to a T and doing crazy things to your body that sometimes make it feel kind of crazy and I still had to wonder… would all of this be well worth it or will I be disappointed yet again? I was lucky that they harvested 5 eggs and 3 made it to be viable. They wanted to implant 2 to start in hopes at least one “would take”. The embryos were frozen for a few months before they were transferred.
The call a few weeks later that told me I was pregnant felt like a dream. Maybe not as big of a dream though as when they said there’s 2! Both embryos took! Here came another emotional roller coaster. At first you’re shocked, maybe a little scared and then of course you start dreaming. We need a bigger car, we need two of everything when we thought we’d be lucky to need one and on and on goes the planning. However, a month later there was only one heartbeat found. I was devastated again while also being so thankful I still had one baby. The hardest part of that was so many people I felt expected me not to grieve for the one baby that I would never meet now. People would say, “Well be happy you’re getting one!” I am, but that doesn’t diminish that a mother still grieves every loss. My pregnancy with my second son was so much different than my first literally from start until raising him today. L is now 11 and I assure you he is just as difficult today as the way I had to conceive him to having an emergency c-section, to the wildcat he is today LOL! And I wouldn’t have him any other way.
Normalize that two things can be true at once. You can be so excited for a journey, yet terrified where it’s going to lead, how it’s going to end up and how will you get through it along the way. Normalize that you can be both happy about one thing and sad about another at the same time. To all the women navigating the emotional toll of IVF, remember; you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, and it’s essential to seek help and connect with others who understand your journey.
If you have a story to share, or if you’re seeking support, please feel free to leave a comment or reach out. Together, we can create a community of understanding and strength.
XO
Angie